The abstract thoughts of the thoughtless mind

Yeah...

2009-09-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

And sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.

Tell me what you think?

2009-09-06T09:00:00.001-07:00

Is it sad...

2009-09-06T01:41:00.000-07:00

That in others pain I feel victorious? Has bitterness gotten the best of me?
Either way, I don't care.

"I've gone through seasons waiting for you with nothing changing but the weather."- unknown

?

2009-09-05T02:43:00.000-07:00

Awkward moments define me.

I'd sleep all day if I could. I lack

the capability to keep my mouth

closed. Yeah, everyone has bad

days, I just have more frequent

ones. If you don't like me, don't

act like you do; it really won't

offend me. I've made mistakes,

I've let people take advantage

of me, and I have accepted

way less than I deserve.

So true...

2009-09-01T04:20:00.000-07:00

What’s worse than being blindly in love with a guy and not seeing what he really is, is being head over heels in love with a guy and seeing him for exactly what he really is. The asshole, the cheater, the guy who breaks your heart over and over again and still loving him, and not being able to get over him.

Best Of Me

2009-08-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

Sum 41 <3

Its so hard to say that im sorry
I'll make everything alright
All these things that i've done
Now what have ive become
And where did i go wrong
I dont need to hurt
Just to put you first
I wont tell you lies (Im sorry)I will stand accused
With my hand on my heart
Im just trying to say
Im sorry
Its all that i can say
You mean so much and
Ive fix all that i done
If i could start again
I'll throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me
I know that i cant takeback all of the mistakes
But i will try
All though its not easy
I know you believe me
Cause i would not lie.
Dont believe the lies
Dont peryell the size
They dont understand (im sorry)
I will break your heart
I will bring you down
But i will have to say
Im sorry
Its all that i can say
You mean so much and
Ive fix all that i done
If i could start again
I'll throw it all
the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me
Im sorry
Its all that i can say
you mean so much and
I fix all that ive done
If i could start againI'll throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me

Tin Soldier

2009-08-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

Finally Kody comes home this week, and I mean FINALLY! I am so extremely happy! Its been a year, well ish. He came home in May, but I only got to see him twice when he was here. Thank goodness he is home for good. No more deployments. Only I won't see him until Friday or Saturday because Christina and him are taking Justin to Lego Land. I want to go! Oh well.

So 4 more days of work and I will no longer belong to Starbucks Coffee Co. Which lately I have been really excited for. I need some time off of work. I just want to be lazy for a little bit, well that really won't happen since my last day is the day before band camp starts. But still, a little time away from a job is exactly what I need. It stresses me out way to much.

Other than that life is kind of boring. I wanted to write about the DCI movie, but I'm way to tired. I'm going to bed now. This was a random post. And now I'm rambling.......

Dear Friend

2009-08-08T01:46:00.000-07:00

Lifes been tough lately. Im working on a lot of things while everything else falls a part. I'm trying, I really am. Sometimes I forget what's the most important, and I ignore it and take things for granted. I don't know when I became so uptight. Somethings really just "erk" me. I've never been like this, ever. I used to be so fun, now I'm boring and lame. I'm sorry for not being there if you have needed me recently. Somewhere a lot of things fell out of place and I should have been there for you. I feel like a horrible friend. I'm constantly grumpy and angry at the world and its not your fault. I know words can't explain how things have been, but instead of being mean and walking away I should have told you what was wrong. I never meant to hurt you. You've always been there for me, and I should have been doing the same. I'm sure you're thinking that its the same old story, but its not. I'm sorry for being a horrible friend and I hope you forgive me.
Sincerely, Me

Im got bored...

2009-08-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

So I decided to try something new. Let me know what you think...

Its called "Poetic Tragedy". I just googled an image and add the song title I was listening to. Ta-da! Its like magic!

Fear not, I have a plan...

2009-08-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

These past few months have been...interesting to say the least. I didn't think my summer would really go in this direction. Its been...odd.

In the current state of California's budget crisis, I've been screwed over so many times I lost count. However, it's nothing to fear, or until a month ago. Let me give you some back story (really I just need to vent).

So I have always had this dream and passion to go to UCLA and graduate with my BA in Music with an emphasis on education. That was the plan for so many years, and I did a damn good job at working towards it. I had good grades, a kill SAT score and took my music very serious. I never thought I was a shoe-in, but I did have really high hopes and thought chances were good to get in.

I prepare like nobodies business for my audition, day and night. For months I was walking, talking, and breathing my audtion piece. I walked into the music building and gave it my all. I was so proud of myself. I wish that it was recorded, Mozart himself would have loved it. I got great comments from all of the judges, minus the clarinet professor. He was just down right mean. Unfortunetly my best audition wasnt good enough, I did get into the school, just not music department.

Ever since then I haven't quite had that same passion and desire to be a music education major. My playing hasn't been the same. It makes me sad. But that is just how things go sometimes. So with that being said, I ended up at RCC for music ed., and it has been an amazing experience.

So after I figured that RCC was the place for me, I had to figure where I wanted to go afterwards. I thought and realized that the most economical decision was Cal State San Bernardino. Its close to home, cheaper then most Cal States, and I know a ton of people that go there. Plus I have been the campus and something about it just felt like home.

About 4 months ago I started preparing to transfer to CSUSB. I was excited. I was still close enough to RCC to do marching band (because it totally counts as ensemble hours =]), close to home, and still have enough time to work a 25 hour week to pay for gas and what not. Then the great state of California decided they were going to "borrow" money from the school system. Forcing the Cal State and UC systems to cut jobs and admission spots. Leaving me college-less.

Before I got that dreadful letter I started looking around, knowing it was a good possibility that I might not have anywhere to go in January. I found a couple that looked promising but nothing that really caught my attention, until about 2 weeks ago. I went to College Board and did some searching and the first school that popped up was Utah State University. Its up in northern Utah. It has an amazing science department, a great music department, and most of all a marching band. That was actually a perk to everything else I learned about this college.

So, now my new game plan: Work the rest of summer and fall, do marching band at RCC in the fall, hopefully gain acceptance into Utah State and transfer to start spring semester in January. I hope everything works out. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys =)!

In other news, I hate my job. Let me tell you why.

A couple months ago Starbucks thought it would be amazing to adapt this new scheduling system. At first it was great, we had almost set schedules and we were getting decent hours. Then out of know where they want all of their partners to become full time employees. This is where I have a problem. I love my job, I really do. I just hate the way my store in ran. Being a full-time college student and in marching band takes a lot out of a person. Especially when you live 80 miles away from school, but I make that sacrafice for my education. My manager doesn't realize that. At most I can only work 20 to 25 hours a week during fall. Now she is telling me that she might not be able to work with my fall schedule. There's a whole lot more to that story, but that is for another day.

Personally I think it is wrong to force someone into working full-time when they sign on as a part-time, even more so when they are a college student. So Candas and Jen (the dm) are pretty much giving me a choice, I work full-time or they fire me. Which I think is wrong, just down right wrong. yes I know the economy is in a horrible place right now, but you shouldn't be putting people out of work because Candas is being a lazy bitch who will not hire a new person. I'm sure there is more to her side of the story, but she has yet to explain things throughly to me.

I'm affraid I might come home one day without a job. That really scares me. I don't want to be jobless and trying to find a job in this economic state would be extremely hard. But when it comes down to it, my school, family, and music will always come first over some stupid part-time job. I'm just affraid that I'll have to part with Starbucks soon and I can not afford it. I know my parents will be mad, but I will not work for a heartless tyrant anymore. I know I need a knew job, but this is what I have for the time being. I dread going to work every single day. I am so incredibly over that job, but like I said it is what I have for now.

So tomorrow brings a new journey, finding a new job. No matter what I will be leaving Starbucks. I really want to stay on long enough to transfer up to Utah, but I do not see that happening at all. Sometimes that is just how things turn out, so I'm going to make the best of it.

In family news, my parents put in a bid for a new house out at the golf course. It would mean a 15 minutes drive to work instead of the normal 4, but I'm excited. The house I currently lived in has been my home for 20 years, and my parents are very hard working people. They deserve a new house. I know my mom is really excited about it. She really wants to decorate the new house already. It's actually really funny watch her talk about it.

My sister got word today that Kody is safely out of Iraq and in Kuwait until tomorrow night. He then flys to Germany, then to Wisconsin, then home. He should be home somewhere around the 9th or 10th of this month, and he will be home for good this time. Thank God. I will definetly keep you updated. Its mostly a day by day type of thing so keep a look out for updates.

So much has gone on, I figured I would write about the most important ones. I'm working actually doing this more, but between the family, work, and trying to figure things out with school its hard. But I promise there is more to come in the upcoming weeks I promise =D

Who knows =/

2009-07-01T02:37:00.001-07:00

When the things you love just disappear, what it someone supposed to do? Emotionally I consider myself a stronger person, or I at least used to. With the recent events, I can't take it. I'm broken on the inside. I can't hold my head up anymore and pretend that I'm all right. I can't sit here every night and cry myself to sleep. That's not who I am.

I'm a person who finds the good in everything and moves on with life. I've been put through the ringer on this one. I know with all the good in life, there comes the bad, but really? Did it have to be this bad? I don't know what to do with everything. I'm trying my best, but a person can only take so much.

Its come to the point were I'm ignoring my friends because I can't take them complaining about themselves. Then to get shit from them because I don't come around? Really? And they call themselves friends.

But the ones you want to stay, don't. That's the hardest part. The people I want to be there, even if they have no idea what's going on, leave. That makes things a whole heck of a lot harder. This year was supposed to be way better than last year, but its not.

*sigh* I really wish I could walk away and start all over, somewhere new.

Random thoughts

2009-05-09T00:57:00.001-07:00

Hmm. What to say really. The past couple of months have been...interesting, to say the least. I finally took that big step and walked away from Jon. As much as I hated it, I was proud of myself. Its what needed to happen. Now things are great between us.

It's things like that, that make me rethink my life and how I choose to live it. I am a very strong and determined person. I stay optimistic no matter what happens. But, so far in life I have met so many people that think so differently. The people who are the closest to me are always so down and negative. How does that work? Have they learned something that I need to open my eyes to, or am I the one who is to open there eyes?

Then this makes me realize how much I have changed in the past year. I've grown so much, but it seems like everytime I make myself better in one area, another falls to pieces.

I know I've been a little more uptight lately. I used to be so careless and free-spirited, now I'm cranky and no fun. I never thought that I would be the type of person to go from laughing over nothing with my best friend to being stone cold.

Growing up is weird. If I could, I would take the person I used to be and be that person now. No drama seems to follow me in whatever I do. I kept my life drama free for so long, and in a matter of minutes I let all that hard work slip away.

These days I try to take the more adult approach to things. I try really hard to think things through before I do something. I try to think before I speak, and sometimes people just don't see it that way.

I need to be more up front with how I feel. I'm not a hot headed as I used to be, but somethings just set me off rather quickly. I do my best to please everyone, and sometimes I can't. I want everyone around me to be happy. That's how I function at my best, happy. However, some of the people I love the most don't. I want them to be happy because they deserve it. With the bad comes the good.

I think I've gone about some things in my life all wrong. But I was honest. I said what I needed to say, and the only person I can really blame is myself for not following through. I should have been more outward about it. Instead I did what I do best and that was play a stupid little game and was childish about it. Now I don't know what to think or even say for that matter. I'm worried. I took that leap of faith and now what? I can't just give up. That's not me. I always keep trying, but look where that got me before. However, things are different, way different. Hmmm I just don't know about this one. I guess I can do is speak up and say what is exactly on my mind.

Long time no blog

2008-12-25T03:14:00.000-08:00

I know I know, it's been way to long! I'm sorry, although I'm pretty sure no one reads this. However it is better than posting on myspace. Lol.

So life blows, and thats putting it nicely. Things just suck a lot.

It's funny how many different people you meet in life. Its funny how when you meet these people you never know what kind of impact they will have on you.

Last fall I didn't have any friends in band, well I did, but none that I would really consider seeing in the off season. This year however, I have met some of the coolest people ever! I mean really, they are amazing and I love hanging out with them. It makes me sad that we only have a week left of the season and it all ends.

Back to my original point, you never know how people are going to impact you. This is where I am going to start talking about one person in particular. My friend Jon. We really didn't talk much for the first half of the season, but around October we ended up standing next to each other in arcs and we started talking and becoming closer. Eventually I started liking him. So what do I do? I tell him. At first things were cool, there was hope that things might work out. Then he tells me there is someone else. Okay thats cool, he knew her before me and what not. I can handle that. But what really gets me is that randomly one day he decided to tell me about her and that he isn't worth my time. Like he knows whats best for me. He keeps doing this over and over again. Its really starting to make me angry. Its one of those situations where he should have said in the beginning I dont like you, there is someone else and we are better off as friends. But somehow it got dragged out into this whole ordeal and now our friendship is hanging in the balance.

One thing that really bothers me is that he doesn't act like he doesn't like me. He flirts and teases me and sends me really mixed signals. Which confuses the living daylights out of me. He first said that he liked me but at the same time he didnt, then he only liked me as a friend, and then he said he didn't know if he liked me, then he said he didnt like me. This is all in one conversation by the way. It really hurts a lot. He gets really mean sometimes and it hurts. I know deep down he is a great person, but he just pushes me away soooo much. The way he acts and what he says are two completely different things and I'm lost.

It's getting to the point where I may have to end our friendship over this. That's honestly the last thing I want to do, but its getting that point rather quickly. I can't take his so called "joking". Its mean and its cruel. He has no compassion. I don't know anymore....I'm so lost and confused.

I know, random babbling....sorry I just needed to vent.

It doesn't mean a thing, if you ain't got that swing

2008-05-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

So has anyone else ever felt that they are growing up? That their decisions and views have have changed. I know mine have. Lately I have been realizing what my actions may cause. I mean I have always been like this, but it wasn't to this extent. It's weird.

Example, a couple of weekends ago I babysat my nephew. I took him to my sisters house, and then when they came home we all hung out and drank. Well the next morning I was really hungover, and I was supposed to hang out with my mother. Well I ended up not feeling good and in short I ruined our hang out day. I felt SO irresponsible. I have never felt so disappointed in myself. Never again I say!

However, I do like the way I am changing. I'm becoming a lot more like my mother everyday and I am okay with that. She has her flaw of course, but in all honesty I would rather be like my mother than my father. I love him to death, but the way he was when he was my age is something that I do not want happeneing. Plus I think my sister has the "party kid" label pretty much down.

So Monday night around 11:30pm I realized I had a Biology test that I had yet to study for the next day. What was my solution you ask? I stayed up all night drinking diet pepsi while reading my bio book. Then I went to school took my test and came home. Around the 28th hour of being awake I finally realized I needed to go to bed. It was a interesting day to say the least. Hopefully I did good on my test.

Anyway, I have better things to be doing then this, peace.

What can I say?

2008-05-13T00:48:00.000-07:00

So has anyone else noticed the "spidemic" of pregnant females from our class? I know of at least 6 or so girls that have either had/or going to children. We have been out of school for less than a year! It's ridiculous! it just shows how demoralized the youth of society had become. Christina and I always make the joke that it's an accomplishment for us to NOT be pregnant. I know it's not a joke, but it is however true. It really saddens me.

So Mr. Sanucci got married. I don't know how many of you know that, but he did. I am happy for him and Angie. Katy and I stopped by today. Their wedding pictures are so CUTE! Although, if I could have had it my way.......well people you know how I would have had it, so no need to say it out loud.

Also, Katy and I applied at the Lenwood Starbucks today. I am hoping I get the job. I really need to the money so I can save up. I would like to pay my car off and save money for band trips (if I go back). All signs are looking good. Keep the fingers crossed!

Only 5 more weeks of school left. I can't wait until school gets out. As much as I love it, I also hate it. It would be better if I lived closer, but what can you do? I just have to suck it up a little longer and then I won't have to go back until August, maybe.

I have a biology test tomorrow that I really should be studying for. By the looks of it I bet you can tell that I'm not, and I probably won't. I am such a horrible student.

Let's talk politics. While Katy and I were in Wal*Mart today, we saw that they had a Obama poster. I personally thought that they should have one of Hilary and McCain also. I think large corporations should be UNbiased, but whatever, that's another story. Since I have known Hilary was going to run for president, I was excited. People I have done my research and I know what I am getting into. So please save your sorry excuses on why I should vote for whoever.

Anyways, Katy asked me who I was going to vote for. I of course said Hiliary, and if she doesn't get the Democratic nomination I will vote for McCain. I WILL NOT vote for Obama. I just down right dislike him. I have watched him debate many of times, and every time its the same answer for different questions. It's not like he even really answers his question's either. He seems to dance around them and never really get to the point. I know most politicians do that, but his seems to be worse than others. It irritates me. Plus he has been just bagging on Hiliary. To me that shows that you're a coward and cannot establish a well fitted platform. Maybe I am being over judgemental, but if I were running I would focus on what I want to get across to the American people, and not how much so-and-so is a loser.

Sorry, just a bit of venting. It's hard to just throw your political views out someone and expect them to take it. So I vent to the world.

Anyways, I am tired, and should be reading my biology book. I'm off people. Have a lovely day!

Dare I?

2008-05-11T23:40:00.000-07:00

Marching band season is coming up, and as most of you know, I am very excited. Although I am having a bit of a dilema. Last year, well need less to say, I wasn't the all-star band student. I missed a lot of practices and was hardly reliable. But, when I did make it to practice it felt as though people really didn't like me. Other than my lovely Wal*Mart crew, everyone really just didn't care for me. Yes, I know I missed a lot, but I was a damn good marcher! I don't care what you think about that either. I did as well as I possibly could on the field. I wasn't like the people who the marching instructors knew me on a first name basis. I may have missed, but I learned the drill and hardly messed. I know there were times I had some issues while marching, but doesn't everyone? If you said no to that you're either A- Arrogant and a liar, B- A marching GOD!

Okay back to my original point, even though I was a flake and still kicked ass, I felt very unwanted. Everytime I showed up to practice I got that feeling that I should just go home and never sho my face there ever again. I doubt Gary even liked me. Which is weird because all throughout high school I was one of Garv's favorites. Then again this isn't high school. I love marching. It's what I want to teach when I get out of college. It's something I am very passionate about, but this past year I didn't show it. I think it screwed me somewhere. I just don't know if I should go back to RCC next fall. I mean I'll still go to the school, but I don't know about marching band. Who wants to be a part of something that they feel unwanted in. Do I not go back and just wait until I transfer to go back to marching band, or do I stick it out with people who aren't very inviting? Then I think to myself, well okay, if they may not like you, are you really there trying to be their friend? Well no I'm not. I am there because it's what I love to do. It's just hard to like it when you feel intimidated. Really, what do I do? I want to go back and prove that I'm not a flake. I'm the person who missed one day out of her entire high school band career....minus 6th grade. We don't count that year, but seriously. I have no idea. HELP!