Yeah...

And sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.

Tell me what you think?

Is it sad...

That in others pain I feel victorious? Has bitterness gotten the best of me?
Either way, I don't care.

"I've gone through seasons waiting for you with nothing changing but the weather."- unknown

?

Awkward moments define me.

I'd sleep all day if I could. I lack

the capability to keep my mouth

closed. Yeah, everyone has bad

days, I just have more frequent

ones. If you don't like me, don't

act like you do; it really won't

offend me. I've made mistakes,

I've let people take advantage

of me, and I have accepted

way less than I deserve.

So true...

What’s worse than being blindly in love with a guy and not seeing what he really is, is being head over heels in love with a guy and seeing him for exactly what he really is. The asshole, the cheater, the guy who breaks your heart over and over again and still loving him, and not being able to get over him.

Best Of Me

Sum 41 <3

Its so hard to say that im sorry
I'll make everything alright
All these things that i've done
Now what have ive become
And where did i go wrong
I dont need to hurt
Just to put you first
I wont tell you lies (Im sorry)I will stand accused
With my hand on my heart
Im just trying to say
Im sorry
Its all that i can say
You mean so much and
Ive fix all that i done
If i could start again
I'll throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me
I know that i cant takeback all of the mistakes
But i will try
All though its not easy
I know you believe me
Cause i would not lie.
Dont believe the lies
Dont peryell the size
They dont understand (im sorry)
I will break your heart
I will bring you down
But i will have to say
Im sorry
Its all that i can say
You mean so much and
Ive fix all that i done
If i could start again
I'll throw it all
the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me
Im sorry
Its all that i can say
you mean so much and
I fix all that ive done
If i could start againI'll throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me

Tin Soldier

Finally Kody comes home this week, and I mean FINALLY! I am so extremely happy! Its been a year, well ish. He came home in May, but I only got to see him twice when he was here. Thank goodness he is home for good. No more deployments. Only I won't see him until Friday or Saturday because Christina and him are taking Justin to Lego Land. I want to go! Oh well.

So 4 more days of work and I will no longer belong to Starbucks Coffee Co. Which lately I have been really excited for. I need some time off of work. I just want to be lazy for a little bit, well that really won't happen since my last day is the day before band camp starts. But still, a little time away from a job is exactly what I need. It stresses me out way to much.

Other than that life is kind of boring. I wanted to write about the DCI movie, but I'm way to tired. I'm going to bed now. This was a random post. And now I'm rambling.......

Dear Friend

Lifes been tough lately. Im working on a lot of things while everything else falls a part. I'm trying, I really am. Sometimes I forget what's the most important, and I ignore it and take things for granted. I don't know when I became so uptight. Somethings really just "erk" me. I've never been like this, ever. I used to be so fun, now I'm boring and lame. I'm sorry for not being there if you have needed me recently. Somewhere a lot of things fell out of place and I should have been there for you. I feel like a horrible friend. I'm constantly grumpy and angry at the world and its not your fault. I know words can't explain how things have been, but instead of being mean and walking away I should have told you what was wrong. I never meant to hurt you. You've always been there for me, and I should have been doing the same. I'm sure you're thinking that its the same old story, but its not. I'm sorry for being a horrible friend and I hope you forgive me.
Sincerely, Me

Im got bored...

So I decided to try something new. Let me know what you think...

Its called "Poetic Tragedy". I just googled an image and add the song title I was listening to. Ta-da! Its like magic!

Fear not, I have a plan...

These past few months have been...interesting to say the least. I didn't think my summer would really go in this direction. Its been...odd.

In the current state of California's budget crisis, I've been screwed over so many times I lost count. However, it's nothing to fear, or until a month ago. Let me give you some back story (really I just need to vent).

So I have always had this dream and passion to go to UCLA and graduate with my BA in Music with an emphasis on education. That was the plan for so many years, and I did a damn good job at working towards it. I had good grades, a kill SAT score and took my music very serious. I never thought I was a shoe-in, but I did have really high hopes and thought chances were good to get in.

I prepare like nobodies business for my audition, day and night. For months I was walking, talking, and breathing my audtion piece. I walked into the music building and gave it my all. I was so proud of myself. I wish that it was recorded, Mozart himself would have loved it. I got great comments from all of the judges, minus the clarinet professor. He was just down right mean. Unfortunetly my best audition wasnt good enough, I did get into the school, just not music department.

Ever since then I haven't quite had that same passion and desire to be a music education major. My playing hasn't been the same. It makes me sad. But that is just how things go sometimes. So with that being said, I ended up at RCC for music ed., and it has been an amazing experience.

So after I figured that RCC was the place for me, I had to figure where I wanted to go afterwards. I thought and realized that the most economical decision was Cal State San Bernardino. Its close to home, cheaper then most Cal States, and I know a ton of people that go there. Plus I have been the campus and something about it just felt like home.

About 4 months ago I started preparing to transfer to CSUSB. I was excited. I was still close enough to RCC to do marching band (because it totally counts as ensemble hours =]), close to home, and still have enough time to work a 25 hour week to pay for gas and what not. Then the great state of California decided they were going to "borrow" money from the school system. Forcing the Cal State and UC systems to cut jobs and admission spots. Leaving me college-less.

Before I got that dreadful letter I started looking around, knowing it was a good possibility that I might not have anywhere to go in January. I found a couple that looked promising but nothing that really caught my attention, until about 2 weeks ago. I went to College Board and did some searching and the first school that popped up was Utah State University. Its up in northern Utah. It has an amazing science department, a great music department, and most of all a marching band. That was actually a perk to everything else I learned about this college.

So, now my new game plan: Work the rest of summer and fall, do marching band at RCC in the fall, hopefully gain acceptance into Utah State and transfer to start spring semester in January. I hope everything works out. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys =)!

In other news, I hate my job. Let me tell you why.

A couple months ago Starbucks thought it would be amazing to adapt this new scheduling system. At first it was great, we had almost set schedules and we were getting decent hours. Then out of know where they want all of their partners to become full time employees. This is where I have a problem. I love my job, I really do. I just hate the way my store in ran. Being a full-time college student and in marching band takes a lot out of a person. Especially when you live 80 miles away from school, but I make that sacrafice for my education. My manager doesn't realize that. At most I can only work 20 to 25 hours a week during fall. Now she is telling me that she might not be able to work with my fall schedule. There's a whole lot more to that story, but that is for another day.

Personally I think it is wrong to force someone into working full-time when they sign on as a part-time, even more so when they are a college student. So Candas and Jen (the dm) are pretty much giving me a choice, I work full-time or they fire me. Which I think is wrong, just down right wrong. yes I know the economy is in a horrible place right now, but you shouldn't be putting people out of work because Candas is being a lazy bitch who will not hire a new person. I'm sure there is more to her side of the story, but she has yet to explain things throughly to me.

I'm affraid I might come home one day without a job. That really scares me. I don't want to be jobless and trying to find a job in this economic state would be extremely hard. But when it comes down to it, my school, family, and music will always come first over some stupid part-time job. I'm just affraid that I'll have to part with Starbucks soon and I can not afford it. I know my parents will be mad, but I will not work for a heartless tyrant anymore. I know I need a knew job, but this is what I have for the time being. I dread going to work every single day. I am so incredibly over that job, but like I said it is what I have for now.

So tomorrow brings a new journey, finding a new job. No matter what I will be leaving Starbucks. I really want to stay on long enough to transfer up to Utah, but I do not see that happening at all. Sometimes that is just how things turn out, so I'm going to make the best of it.

In family news, my parents put in a bid for a new house out at the golf course. It would mean a 15 minutes drive to work instead of the normal 4, but I'm excited. The house I currently lived in has been my home for 20 years, and my parents are very hard working people. They deserve a new house. I know my mom is really excited about it. She really wants to decorate the new house already. It's actually really funny watch her talk about it.

My sister got word today that Kody is safely out of Iraq and in Kuwait until tomorrow night. He then flys to Germany, then to Wisconsin, then home. He should be home somewhere around the 9th or 10th of this month, and he will be home for good this time. Thank God. I will definetly keep you updated. Its mostly a day by day type of thing so keep a look out for updates.

So much has gone on, I figured I would write about the most important ones. I'm working actually doing this more, but between the family, work, and trying to figure things out with school its hard. But I promise there is more to come in the upcoming weeks I promise =D